Martial Arts Do’s and Don’ts in the Zombie Apocalypse
Welcome once again to October. As the cold weather, the falling leaves, and the scary decorations begin to show up around us our minds are turned to pumpkins, trick or treaters, and of course:
How to best prepare ourselves for the inevitable Zombie Apocalypse?
Specifically today, I want to address some key do’s and don’ts of using our martial arts skills against the hordes of the undead.
Don’t:
3- Don’t wear the Gi
When facing the undead, no-Gi is the plan of the day. Ever try to hold onto a dog that has no collar? It can be a challenge. Put a collar on the beast, and it’s easy pickins though. Don’t give yourself a handle to ensure your ability to be handy take-out for the undead. Greased-hog style is a better bet. If weather doesn’t allow for your nudist animal instincts to run their course, then I would suggest body armor. Stay away from loose fitting clothes that provide little protection.
2- Ignore the tap
That little girl is no longer a ballerina, no matter what she’s wearing. No matter how nice they may seem, zombie’s are not your friends. Don’t show any mercy, as they won’t show you any. Be sure that your ingrained training doesn’t kick in when you’re wrestling an undead head from its shoulders… Mistaking frantic flailing for a tap can end in an ugly mess.
1- Do not pull guard.
The number one DO NOT for martial arts and zombies? I cannot say this strongly enough: DO NOT PULL GUARD. If a zombie should take you down, kick the hell away, pray you don’t get bitten, and run like hell (or chop them in the head with a fire-axe.) If you are foolish enough to pull guard, you will shortly be that dumbass shambling down the street with people pointing at your stomach and pelvis injuries asking, “How the hell do you get bitten like that?!”
Do:
3- Sweep the leg Johnny. Leg kicks rule.
As Bas Rutten (who I predict will be one of the last human’s standing during the Zompacalypse) shows us in this video (you may want to skip toward the end of it), if you can’t walk, you can’t do shit! Most zombies are gonna be way to slow to catch a leg kick. Some may even be as slow as Warpath was in this video. Take out the legs with some solid, Bas Rutten style force, and your can laugh at the bastards while they crawl toward you down the street.
2- Weapons just got cool again.
You know those weapons in the martial arts stores? The ones you kinda snicker at, and wonder rather anyone actually buys them who doesn’t believe they are a level 61 Paladin? Well, they just got cool again. And those obscure martial arts that you didn’t spend as much time learning, like Kendo, the ancient art of beating and hacking the hell out of stuff with weapons? Ya. That course your retard cousin talked you into taking is about to pay off. Grab a sword, machete, or hell, a chair leg and rain down the punishment. Just a reminder though: I probably wouldn’t use that to cut your food afterward.
1- Defy gravity.
Number one on our list of handy martial arts skills for defeating the hungry hordes?
I must have picked the crappy Karate classes to take when I was younger, because the Kung-Fu Theater moves like this never seemed to be a part of the curriculum. But as you can see from some sweet scenes in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Zombie Ass Kickers, gravity appears to be more of a suggestion than an actual law. If you took the course in running through trees, walking on water, and jumping over tall buildings in a single bound, then ya, do that shit.
If you enjoyed this, you might enjoy a related post on The Best Martial Art against Zombie Invasion.
Related posts:
- Traditional Martial Arts versus Mixed Martial Arts: Old School and New School
- Interesting data on the martial arts in Utah
- More martial arts in Utah
- The personality of Martial Arts?
- Utah Martial Arts website launched
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The best martial arts — applicable to zombies — would be Kendo. Easily adaptable skill set to kill zombies are practiced. Especially the head strikes.
I completely agree with you David!